Why?
by Bob Regent
Summary: Xander decides to leave after failing to save Oz and soon after Buffy realises she loves him.


Author's notes: This was written before end of season 4 many of us on the BXlist thought someone was  
going to die i took a chance and said it was OZ.   
  
Dedication to Aslan- thanks for helping me with my stories and I hope you liked this- and also to  
Vanessa my own 'Buffy' that I am 'Xander' to.   
  
And to the whole B/X list  
  
  
  
Why?   
  
Buffy's thoughts   
  
Why have I made it all these years Kendra was killed less than a year after becoming a slayer? Faith  
barely made it six months before we lost her too. I lived and kept going and now almost five years after  
I was told whom and what I am I'm still here and why- Three words- The Scooby gang.   
  
My friends- all of them I think it started after the first minute I was here when I saw a shaggy haired  
skateboarder crash into a railing. I thought maybe I should help him but I got a little tied up so  
couldn't, it took the second person to start me on that road.   
  
Willow- My sister in all but name, without her I never would have made it. She was the first to offer her  
help I think it was because of what happened to her friend Jesse, maybe it was my fault he was  
embraced by the vamps maybe not but this girl needed someone as did I and I'm glad I found her. Her  
compassion, loving and friendship are all responsible for keeping me going, her magic helped a bit but  
not as much as her friendship. Next well Giles I think- he is the father figure I never had, t was his job  
to look after me as a watcher but I came to realise especially after my death the first time that he held  
me in such high regard as a daughter. High Regard? - See he even affects the way I speak I love him  
like a father, more than my own. Except when he slept with my mother but still I would rather see her  
with Giles than anyone else especially with what happened with 'Ted'. Others have come and gone.   
  
Riley- well Riley I think that maybe I did love him but really even as we both tried to work alongside  
each other it just couldn't work not with Riley, at least he wasn't rebound Guy off angel I think that was  
Parker- The bastard, however I realised something used him more than he used me. That isn't a part of  
my life I am proud of. Riley was sweet and Kind and knew what I was all about. I just couldn't stay with  
him   
  
Cordelia- now that was a turn up for the book, as Giles would say, she reminded me of myself all those  
years ago in LA. We may not have had the chance to get close and we may have fought against each  
other but I would not give up her help and friendship for anything. I liked the verbal sparring I guess  
like Xander and Angel did.   
  
Angel- the first man I ever truly loved in my life, he helped me and never let me go even though at one  
time he should have, even when he was Angelus he wouldn't kill me I suppose so part of Angel was in  
there stopping him. He killed so many others that tried to help me, Kendra and Jenny Calendar just  
two. I sometimes think I should have killed him when I could have and so Kendra and Jenny would be  
here with us, I know Giles has never blamed me or been disappointed with me about that. I'm  
disappointed with myself I blame myself for that.   
  
Throughout my whole time here I've fought and tried to do everything to help my friends but with one  
of them no matter what I did to him no matter how I hurt him he was always there for me. Xander  
Harris   
  
What Can I say about Xander- the first person I saw when I came here he hit the railing as soon as he  
saw me. Throughout that entire first year he tried to show me how he felt she showed me with  
everything he could, I knew he cared as soon as he gave me that bracelet- he said they all had the  
same inscription on them but out of curiosity I found outit cost him a fortune to get it done. I suppose  
he believes that I don't even remember it but I always have it with me in my pocket- I even took it  
when I left for LA- LA how I wish I could change everything, I hurt him so much he did everything he  
could to change things for me to help me. Even though he lied when he should have told me about the  
curse I know he did it for me and why he did.   
  
If I had known Angelus would have killed all three of us. Throughout everything he always believed in  
me, when the master killed me he was there to bring me back even when Angel as well as everyone  
else had given up on me, he saved my life, he had staked Theresa and saved my life, the Zombie gangs  
and the bomb when he saved us all I never believed he could do something like that for us let alone for  
me. He knew that if he died it would be to save us, if it weren't for him we wouldn't be here, I wouldn't  
be here. He faced off Angelus at the hospital to save me even though he could have been killed for it. .  
He could have been killed every time he helped me I know he loves me and always has I wish I had  
done something about this before, but now I'm going to make up for it and take him for who and what  
he is- I ignored him for the whole of the last year- I couldn't live without him It almost killed me when I  
thought he was dead but I'm going to change that- I'm going to tell him how I feel and I'm going to  
make sure he knows how much I need him.   
  
And with that Buffy Anne Summers went to meet her white knight   
  
Xander's Thoughts.   
  
Why? Why do I do it it's obvious. I love her- That is it she may not know she may never realise it but  
I'll be here forever to help protect her and to love her. I've never felt as much for anyone else as much  
as I feel for her. I did love the others, Cordelia, Anya even Willowalthough Willow may have been a  
serious mistake on both our parts. Since Oz died she hasn't been the same; her 'fling' with Tara didn't  
go anywhere. Maybe Willow loved her I don't know- I hope she'll be okay; she seems a little suicidal.  
I'll get Buffy and we'll talk to her. Buffy- That name will give me chills no matter how many times I  
hear it, I fell in lust with her as soon as I saw her I thought my god what a beautiful bit of Skirt- well  
that's what Spike would say anyway. But I slowly began to realise that it wasn't true anymore.   
  
I didn't feel like I did around Cordelia and some of the others this was something else. That's why I  
bought her that bracelet, I had it engravedman that cost a lot but still it was worth it when she liked it, I  
wonder if she still has it. Probably not when we went into her room that summer to see if we could find  
out where she was going we found her cross on the table along with other stuff but no bracelet she  
probably lost it somewhere and forgot about it. It doesn't matter as long as she knows I care. I would  
die for her but how does the Idiom go- Idiom another Giles bit I'm spending too much time with him.  
'Many will die for the one they love but only a special love will make them live for that one'.  
Throughout all the time I've known her she's always been the strong one always there to save the  
world- she had that faade that she puts up. I can see through it all the time. I saw how bad she was  
after her fight with Angel I should have realised what she was going to do and stopped her doing it. I  
care for her very much and I always will, she thought I hated her when she left and then just came back  
but I didn't I was afraid, angry and hurt that she didn't talk to me about it. I could never hold it against  
her though we just fell back into a rhythm. But it seems no matter what I do she never realises it. I'll do  
anything for her just for her smile or a laugh or a look. But over the last year they've just left me  
alone, I know that they are getting into college and sorting things out but I wish they would just let me  
into their lives again, They've been different towards me since Oz died maybe it's just me- Maybe I'm  
better off leaving- I'm still the Zeppo- a nobody. Buffy's the slayer, Giles has his watcher training,  
Willow's a witch-Me I'm just a normal guy- the only one out of us that is. I'm leaving that's it, they'll be  
better off without me.   
  
And Xander Harris walked away not knowing that he held the heart of the woman that held his own.   
  
The End  



End file.
